BD:
I have hope beyond you. And to be quite frankly honest, your presence in my life is what made me hopeless. So I AM dealing with it.
Every damn day I wake to take care of your child, I deal with it. Every time I fork over money to day care, I deal with it. I'm dealing with it every time I put her to sleep, wishing her sweet dreams with a bitter heart.
And you're damn right I'm bitter. I have a right to be.
And I never talk shit about you around our kid. It is you that's continually proven yourself to be the ass that you swear you're not. So trust, when the baby is old enough to understand, nothing will need to come out of my mouth. Your actions speak volumes to your parental shortcomings. I hear that shit loud and clear.
Why can't you just admit what's really got you pissed? You lost me. And that is ultimately driving you crazy... And it's secretly what's driving me crazy.
I stare at our baby a lot, uncomfortable knowing that I hold pains for her daddy that I can't let go. Anger that I can't control most of the times. It's a love lost and a hate pretended. And I know your act, and I'm sure by now, you know mine.
But instead of crying myself to sleep, I sleep unsettled and wake up tired. Tired of fighting against a pain that has torn me apart. Tired of pretending that I don't wish we were one big happy family. Tired of fronting like you're a deadbeat when I know if really given the opportunity, you could be a good daddy.
And with all the hope I push down to the pit of my stomach, I still can't believe in you. I guess I've been let down too much. Or perhaps I've let you down.
What the hell are we gonna do man?
Love,
Baby Momma
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