Thin line Between LOVE and HATE (Part 6)

BM:

I don’t know exactly what to do, but I will tell you that I am tired. I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of the back and forth, tired of pretending, tired of pointing fingers.

So, I’ll be honest.


Tonight, I looked into the eyes of our child as I have done many times before and even though you say that he has all of my features, all I could see was you. I saw the reflection of a past romance that once mirrored traces of my future. I could picture the way we were, how we used to be. I reminisced on key events like our first date, our first kiss and the very first time I stuttered, “I love you.”I loved you like “Brown Sugar.” And you gave me my deepest spell of “Love Jones.” We walked summer nights in parks and got high off moon light and conversation. You nurtured my dreams and gave me hope when I had no one else in my corner. I felt like you were next of kin and “Brown Skin” became my favorite song while you called me your “Truth.” I learned the happy side of the blues. And you touched me in a way that transcended whatever I thought relationships to be.

And then the baby came. You had to rearrange your priorities.

So, I panicked, made some mistakes that ultimately cost our demise. I thought you were always angry at me for no reason. I thought you resented me for making you a baby momma and not a wife. I lost the ability to communicate with you, and then I had to share your attention with our child. I was no longer the primary object of your affection. I did not fully comprehend the physical and emotional transition of your body or our relationship.  

I needed something to numb the pain.

I covered up with the comfort of convenience and layered my emotions with anger. Feelings that led me to the company of the many “she’s,” avoiding the reality of us no longer together.  My shame just allowed me to keep going and long before I knew it, I was bitter about us.

Those women were never able to fill the void. They could never replace the feelings that were shared between us. But I could not stand to be alone.  I felt that any form of redemption was a lost cause. How could you forgive me after all I put you through?

And even though I still don’t know what the future holds or what the next step is, I want to apologize for my part in making this really difficult for you. You deserve better.

Love,
Baby daddy